Race Ready

This weekend I will be competing in one of the first tris of the year. This Oly distance race promises to be cold (as water temps up here in the NE haven't warmed up yet) and possibly stormy, with rain predicted for the weekend. That means good news for me, since I thrive in rain that makes other girls melt like popsicles on hot pavement. I will use the slickness of the roads to go faster. Where other frightened feebs slow down I will charge ahead. My strategy is the same strategy I always employ: GO HARD, GO OFTEN.

To prepare myself mentally tonight I am meditating. I am imagining that I am one with my bike, the Black Ninja. I hold an image of it in my mind like a first love. And I chant to myself "I AM the Black Ninja. I AM the Black Ninja. I AM a winner. I AM a WINNER."

No is just another word for don't.

Answering questions

I'm sure some of you are wondering by now why I haven't gone pro. Truth be told, I think about it every day. I sit here and look wistfully at the offers from major sponsors that pour in on what seems to be a daily basis. But I know that by going pro my life will be turned upside down. I make a decent living right now. But going pro means giving up my cushy salary to live on what might be $25,000 in my first year. I'm just not willing to pay that price. Plus, as a pro you spend so much time trying to get sponsors that you have no time leftover after training. Supersoulmate B. has offered to support me so that I can pursue triathlon full time, but my goal has been to never rely on a man for support.

Fat Cats

How many dogs have you seen lately who can't run? You know the ones with huge bloated bellies, the ones whose "mommies" have to pick them up to get on the couch.





I can almost understand letting your dog get this fat. I mean, dogs beg with those cute little faces and you feel like you are showing your love for them by feeding them table scraps or buying them doggie brownies. But cats suffer from obesity just the same. I guess I shouldn't expect much from people who can't even keep themselves away from that third bowl of Chunky Monkey.

This relates to triathlon because many triathletes take up the sport in an attempt to lose weight. Often this works, but just as much it doesn't work all the way. I see many fat triathletes at races. Even at the Ironman you see them (fat people tend to think that they are good at long and slow). Well, good news tubbytits! I am sharing some of my weight control techniques with you. I am often complemented on my awesome bod, and more importantly, being thin shows up in race results because thin people can scientifically go faster than fat people. We have less stuff to carry!

Here are some great recipes for you to follow. Just be sure not to have seconds!

Breakfast: If I'm training first thing in the morning for 2 hours or less I don't eat. But afterwards I give myself a fabulous Protein shakes reward.

• 2 scoops vanilla protein powder
• 1 tbsp sugar-free instant vanilla pudding
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp imitation vanilla (or 1/4 tsp extract)
• 1 packet Splenda
• a few dashes butter flavor sprinkles or butter-flavor extract
• 8 oz. water or plain soymilk (use milk only if you are not trying to lose weight. Plain sugarless soymilk has less carbs than lowfat milk)
• 3-5 ice cubes
  
  

Add everything to a blender and WHIZ!

Fiber: I always drink a tasty glass of Metamucil before each meal. If this sounds gross to you, you've never tried Metamucil. It tastes like tang and has only 15 calories, yet the fiber punch it packs means that you get full quicker and don't eat as much.

No bananas: triathletes love bananas, but they will put on the pounds faster than Delta Burke at a buffet brunch. High in sugar, low in fiber, sure they digest easily. I keep away from them even during training on principle.

Oatmeal! I eat oatmeal whenever I need an easy meal. Breakfast, lunch, or especially dinner. The Quaker way is the best way. Add one or two egg whites and some Splenda. Just remember: no sugar!

Don't worry, the gas pains will subside after about 3 weeks.

New Baby!

Today I acquired a special new tool. It's a used bike - some funky old brand that I imagine some pro using back in the 90s (Nishiki actually). Why would I need a used tri bike when I own the lightest most aero steed around? Because this is going to be my double secret probation training tool. You see, old bikes were heavier, but not heavy enough. I've taken off the seat tube and the stem and I'm going to fill the hollow part of the bike with sand. Then I'll trick it out with some clip ons and a tri-specific seat. HA! By moving the seat forward slightly I will be able to duplicate my tri position exactly. After training on that heavy stallion riding my tri bike (the Black Ninja) will feel like flying. I haven't weighed it because I need to go to the beach to get sand, but I expect it to weigh about 36.5 lbs. Stay tuned!

Pump it up

When I recommend to other women that they try weight training to improve their tri times I am often met with the response "I don't want to bulk up." These same types think that doing yoga or Pilates is all the strength training they need. And that is exactly why I consistently beat these fools. The fact is that it is very rare for women to bulk up from a few 40 minute sessions in the gym each week. The strength we build is on the interior of the muscle. If bulking up is really a problem for you, you can totally avoid it by doing high reps, low weight.

Failure to weight train can result in dangerous muscular imbalances. I believe that working the hip abductors can prevent ITB syndrome. A simple exercise you can do is lay on your side and simply lift the upper leg. Repeat 30 times for 3 sets. If this is too easy strap on a weight or a can of soup. Don't forget to work the inner thigh as well.

And if you're dying for big muscles to prove that you've been working hard, here's something you can try.

Speedy Gonzales

In my opinion, you can never get enough speedwork. It seems everyone now understands the value of speedwork. But what most people forget is FORCE. Force is what separates the fast from the sonic. I'll share with you my favorite force workout.

First you need an old tire. No, not a tire from your bike. A tire from a car. I have found some good ones on the side of the highway. The second thing you need is a rope about 15 feet long. If you really want to get fancy you'll also obtain one of those belts that weightlifters wear to support their backs. Now you put it all together. Take your tire and rope out to a long steep hill. After a 20 minute warm up, tie the rope around the tire and wrap the other end around your waist. The tire should lay flat on the ground a few feet behind you. Now run up the hill as fast as you can. Do as many repeats as you can manage (I do 10).

You + tire + hill = your fastest season yet.

Sweep the Leg

This afternoon my darling B. was gazing at the shelf devoted to my trophies in our living room.

"You know who you are?" he asked me as he massaged my legs.

"Who?" I asked, expecting him to tell me that I was his angel.

"You're like Cobra Kai."

"From Karate Kid? The evil dojo?" This wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

"Yes," he explained. "You walk into the dojo and there are trophies everywhere. They dominate the competition. No one can beat them. They're tougher than anyone."

I started to like what he was saying. I even kind of look like a female version of Johnny, the star of Cobra Kai. And you know what? I may even be willing to sweep a leg once in a while. Not that I would ever cheat. But there are ways to psyche out the competition:

• Wear fierce sunglasses
• Casually mention how many hill repeats you did earlier
• Yawn as you pass your nemesis going up hill
• Say to your competitor "Man, it's hot out here"
• Never ever breathe heavily as you pass someone (I almost never have to anyway)
  

As soon as I see a coach as good as Mr. Miyagi, I'll start looking behind my back for Ralph Macchio on a bike. Until then, I'll strike first, strike hard, NO MERCY!