The Victorious Warrior

Sunday I competed in a local Half Ironman. Unfortunately due to trouble finding my race wheels, we arrived at the race site only 30 minutes before the race was scheduled to start, so I didn’t have much of a chance to warm-up. This probably cost me the edge I required to win the overall race.

As I was setting up my transition area, my nemesis L. said hello. I noticed her eyes were really red and she was sneazing. “Yeah, I forgot to take my allergy pills this morning,” she explained, offering a convenient excise for why she might not beat me today. This just shows what a numbskull L. is, forgetting an essential part of her morning routine out of nerves on a big race day. Luckily, I was around to offer her my stash of “non-drowsy” pills. I had brought a couple of pills – some Claritin and some Benadryl for after the race in case I got stung by a bee. The Benadryl was just regular formula because after a race I don’t have to worry about falling asleep. I gave her one of the pink pills – I’m really not sure whether it was Benadryl or Claritin because they were in the same baggy.

“I’m sure these are non-drowsy, right? Ha ha ha.” she laughed. “Don’t worry,” I assured her, “I brought non-drowsy pills.” Hey, she had a 50-50 shot at getting non-drowsy! Better than being bleary-eyed the entire race. Anyway, I’m sure the pills helped her, as she got second in our age group.

The swim was crystal clear and placid. At the start I got behind a girl who tried to lose me and I swear even kicked me in the face. So I grabbed her foot, pulled her down, and swam over her in one swift move. That’ll teach her to be a beeyatch again!

Though L. beat me out of the swim (she wore shaded swim goggles so the sun wasn’t in her eyes for sighting – a real problem for me on the way back), but I clobbered her on the bike. As I rode by her I was a good sport and called out “Good job!” L. usually beats me on the bike, so I knew my double secret sandbike training had paid off. I also blew by a ton of men. It’s hysterical when you pass a guy on the bike. Their fragile egos just can’t handle it! So then they blow themselves up trying to keep up with me. One guy was standing up hammering away while we were going downhill!

The only problem that occurred on the bike came at the bottle exchange. I tried to grab a bottle from a volunteer while maintaining an 18 mph pace (something I’ve practiced with Supersoulmate B.) but I dropped it. So I had to ride for 56 miles on just 1 aero bottle of water. Good thing I practice deprivation training so this wasn’t a big deal for me.

Coming into T2 I expertly already had my feet out of my bike shoes while I was still riding and was able to quickly zip into my running flats. Despite some major hip and calf cramps, I held steady on the half marathon run. I am proud to say that no woman in my age group passed me on the run. Clearly the volunteers in this race were a weak spot in the race organization. At mile 4 I was pretty thirsty and grabbed a water that absolutely soured in my mouth. “This water tastes like ASS!” I yelled at the volunteer. What did that guy do to the water? Pee in it? I admit I lost a few valuable seconds scolding the volunteer and educating him on proper management of a water stand.

When I blasted through the finish line and landed in Supersoulmate B’s arms, he was tearing up. “You won! You won!” He kept repeating. I was confused because I saw other women who had raced standing around at the finish wearing mylar blankets and eating bananas. Did they quit? “You won your age group!” he told me. Oh well, better that than nothing – many people would be satisfied with such a victory. It was clear that my intense training and warrior mentally have made me better and have given me the edge. Look out pros! Trigal is coming to get you!!
Upon reflection on this race, I have to say that it's nice when I can vanquish my competition without having to resort to gimmicks and cheats. I won the age group fair and square. The rest of you should do what I do. Looking out for number one and training hard is what works. Being dependant on others on race day is not what a warrior would do.

As Tarvold from Viking Quest would say “VICTORY!!!”